#ReviewedBySel (Spoiler Free): Valerian and The city of Mistakes

The second I saw that Luce Besson's Fantasy/Sci Fi, Valerian and The City of A Thousand Planets, was playing in theatres, I immediately convinced my entire family to watch it with me out of pure excitement. Prior to watching the movie, I had only seen the trailer and hadn't read any reviews. I vaguely remember the plot of the movie from the trailer—something about a human named Valerian who lives in outer space and needs to save the galaxy, or something. I thought it was just my horrible memory. After watching the movie, I realize that the plot was just weak in general

Although I have enough thoughts and opinions to power through a Super Essay, I genuinely don’t feel like writing one. Mostly because I don’t even think it’s worth my time.
That said, let’s get the biggest thing out of the way. Yes, the visuals were great. The CGI did not disappoint and Luce Besson did an amazing job at making the world from the comic books come to life. But as far as film and storytelling goes, that’s about it.
Here are all the things I found wrong with Besson’s Valerian:

• Firstly, the title. The City of a Thousand Planets is actually a space station called Alpha, which is basically a melting pot of races and species (started by humans from different parts of the world but then grew into millions of creatures from different planets). It’s supposed to be a multicultural utopia where everyone shares their knowledge and power to become the ultimate city. However, this was only implied. It was well developed visually, but not particularly elaborated. We don’t really get to see the way all these characters/creatures live in harmony and learn from each other’s cultures. What could have been a powerful allusion to America or society in general, or what either of them should be, becomes reduced to another cool and futuristic setting for Valerian centric adventures.
• The characters are so horribly written. I don’t know if they were already portrayed like that in the comics, or if it’s Besson’s writing (he wrote the screenplay), but the characters fell horribly flat. Valerian is a trope; the former player who wants to settle down, particularly with Laureline. But Valerian is a problematic character, and not in the relatable human sense. He thinks he’s in love with Laureline but he proves time and time again that he doesn’t value her as an equal (even though they are literally partners of the same rank and they’ve both had to save each other’s lives throughout the movie). This is also evident in the way he’s constantly telling her to stay behind and call for backup instead of letting her do her job. There’s also a scene where he blatantly mansplains something to Laureline, and all she does is roll her eyes while shaking her head fondly in reply. Sure, he can be charming, for a cocky 10-year-old little boy, not a love interest.
• Laureline herself is also a trope. Besson attempted to paint her as the smart girl, the quick-witted, educated, and bad ass female lead but ultimately, she is only Valerian’s twisted version of a love interest. His heart is clearly not in the right place and neither is his maturity (especially since he still has his Wall of Shame aka the record he keeps of women he has hooked up with). Laureline is aware of this (and the wall), but she Doesn’t Care. This woman with an Ivy League education and the ability to kick the galaxy in the ass (who I assume was supposed to make out to be the source of girl power movie buffs now demand) becomes immoral in a sense in the presence of our one-dimensional protagonist. Not to mention, the utter sexualization of the costumes. I mean, it really makes you wonder when the first shot we get of Delevigne is her rear in a bikini bottom, obviously affected by the male gaze. 
• Speaking of Cara Delevigne, a lot of people are suspicious of her talents, especially after her previous role in Suicide Squad flopped. I don't know if it's Besson's writing, or the editing, or Delevigne's performance, but what were supposed to be snappy/sarcastic/ironic/witty one-liners made Laureline's character seem almost lifeless and monotone. 
• Fatshaming. Yep, that's a thing that happens in the movie. Laureline insults an alien, spitting "fatty" at them (I say this as a gender neutral pronoun) after they capture her and take her away from her partner. Which is extremely problematic considering the fact that Cara Delevigne was a model, and let's not even get into how much damage that industry has done to body image issues. 
• Actually, the only heavier characters in the movie are portrayed as slow and/or unintelligent. Remembering the cheap humor is making me want to roll my eyes all over again. 
• In addition, the agents (including the general, commander, and sergeant) had to wear matching green uniforms. Which makes sense, right? Except for the fact that the men don comfortable and practical slacks while the women wear mini skirts. I wonder how they’re all going to fight in those. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Other than Laureline and Bubble (played by Rihanna), all the female extras do is shriek in fear and hide while they’re being shot at. That or they’re strippers at what seems to be an intergalactic Las Vegas, waiting to show Valerian a good time.
• Just like Valerian and Laureline, Bubble also wasn’t developed enough. Besson didn’t give the audience enough for them to become attached, which would make a certain scene (not going to spoil) a lot more gripping and heartbreaking if they had been. Like Alpha, Bubble’s background (an illegal immigrant) would have been the perfect allusion to the current immigration issue happening all over the world. But it lacked depth and it made her background seem like it was a decision that didn’t have a lot of thought, which almost makes it infuriating, especially when considering how complex the issue is in real life. 
• Also, while we’re talking about Bubble, let’s talk about two particular costumes she wears in the “show” she puts on for Valerian. One sexualizes schoolgirls and the other fetishizes a race. So, that’s great.
• Because of the disconnection I felt from the characters, the tense or rise of action scenes felt bland. I wasn’t rooting for Valerian or Laureline, and I didn’t feel like I was sitting on the edge of my seat, hoping for all the protagonists to make it out safely and complete their mission.
• Speaking of the mission, the ultimate driving force of the plot remains unclear for most of the movie. Valerian is supposed to be the Chosen One after receiving a memory from a race of aliens that faced an apocalypse many years ago. But the connection between Valerian and the aliens wasn’t built upon so it ended up feeling like I was watching two different main characters trying to accomplish two different things.
• The effects and the extremely minimal representation made me feel like Besson was trying to sedate us, or better yet, scramble to make up for the fact that at its core, we’re watching two hours + worth of bland, one-dimensional cisgendered, straight white males try to save the universe, or the galaxy, or these aliens who are genetically perfect and creepily sexualized (I’m still not sure about what the true plot is, even after having two days to sleep on it and digest the movie). This was probably the most infuriating part. The glamorous effects and attempts at diversity completely strips the art of storytelling from its meaning.
• Like many other writers, Besson uses love as an underlying theme and motive. However, where Allan Heinberg successfully portrays and communicates the love Diana Prince fights for in Wonder Woman, Besson seems as though he’s just pulling it out of a hat. Especially in a particular scene where Laureline gives Valerian an ultimatum for the fate of the creatures they are trying to help and their own relationship—which is hilarious considering the fact that he has shown so little understanding of emotional depth and human condition/connection in the previous 2 hours of the movie.
• Finally, full spoilers ahead, the fact that Laureline actually marries Valerian gives hope to all the misogynistic men who disguise themselves as soft boys who are victims of toxic masculinity. Perhaps this brings us to the moral of the story? One day, maybe you too will become the lucky man who wins the snarky, sexy, blonde, white, former model of a woman who is willing to be belittled in the name of love.

I rest my case. Thinking about this shipwreck of a movie has exhausted me to the point where I don't even want to drag it or Besson any further. A waste of high budget and well made CGI. See for yourself, if you'd like. I advice that you do not so investors will no longer have an excuse to let such movies to be made ever again. Consumer/buyer power exists, so let's not create a market for movies like these. The fact that they made this happen seriously baffles me, especially at a time where amazing, action-packed and well-written action movies such as Wonder Woman or Spiderman: Homecoming, or even just Star Wars: The Force Awakens/Rogue One exists.